SEX, DEATH AND CUSTARD - worldwide flandemic imminent

Bristol UK - a potentially deadly strain of custard flu may well cause a worldwide flandemic, warned UK contagion expert Dr David Blankett yesterday.

Speaking at this year's 'Death in the Air' (DITA) conference, well-respected 'horizon scanner' and 5th richest man in the world, Dr Blankett stated that all who come into even the slightest contact with milk, egg yolks, sugar, and vanilla extract "are at high risk of succumbing to a most terrible custard death. We have all the ingredients here for a flandemic of unprecedented proportions."

Experts at DITA spend much of their time assessing the threat posed to humankind by seemingly benign commodities that may at any time mutate into deadly viruses, killing millions of people instantly. Instant Custard Virus or ICV is threatening to do just that. A member of the viridus plumduffus family (above), this deadly grouping has spawned many terrifying illnesses over the last few years.

Today, at the height of the custard crisis, level-headed DITA chairman Lord Michael 'Fudgy' Feast (right) remains unruffled but is pulling no punches in his criticisms of current UK health policy. Speaking from his exclusive Curzon Street health and sauna club, Lord Feast, the 4th richest man in the world, declared the UK government's lack of forward planning a complete farce, citing the current reserves of squirty cream and peppermint essence vaccine as 'useless in the face of such an implacable enemy'.

"Until a more effective custard vaccine is made available," warned Feast, "we can only wait, pray and stay away from consumables such as Pop-Tarts, Angel Delight, glaced cherries, Waitrose 8-pack meringue nests and the 'moreish' but deadly McVities Instant Whips. And Whitehall's withdrawal of the £318M earmarked for vital vaccine research," continued Feast vehemently, "is pudding millions at risk."

Curiously however, despite the threat posed by Instant Custard Virus, there seems to be little actual evidence of the flandemic at ground level. "Be that as it may", warned futurist Dr Pitrack Dioxin, another well-respected DITA voice and head of global flandemic forecasting, "whilst the body-count is minimal at this early stage, longer-range forecasts indicate a death toll of truly devastating proportions. We must not forget that ICV is now the single-most terrifying disease in the whole world." Dr Dioxin, with an enviable track record in predicting death on a massive scale, welcomed the introduction of disinfectant foot-troughs at all Acres the Bakers and Pret a Manger sites and particularly welcomed the new security measures in place at all Women's Institute home baking events (above), but emphasized that still more must be done "if we are to avert my conservatively estimated 300 million custard deaths in Shropshire alone within the next three days. "

Millions more at risk than the millions first thought at risk

For some though, there is a very definite silver lining to this dark cloud. Vaccine manufacturers across the globe are cashing in on our fear of custard. "Custard vaccine is selling faster than it can be replaced," noted one exhausted but jubilant production manager for sprawling drug conglomerate Constant Harmaceuticals.

It also emerged last night that shares in Lord Feast's own company Ingot-Feast-Ingot have more than quadrupled in value in the last 5 days. "Trading in IFI shares over the last 24 hours has been nothing short of phenomenal," enthused fellow IFI director and 3rd richest man in the world Lord Ingot (left).

And for those cynics out there, a recent EU enquiry into the possibility that IFI and DITA officials were deliberately manufacturing widespread fear of certain products in order to then sell 'the antidote' for huge financial gain, found every vaccine manufacturer in the whole wide world, completely innocent of such repugnant charges. But this has not stopped the sniping. Asylum-seekers, single mothers and other facist elements are voicing the usual derrogatory accusations - 'vested interests!' 'fake flandemic!' etc., etc..

In defiant mood, Lord Feast has shown no qualms in countering his detractors head on. PA to Lord Feast and 5th richest PA in the world Ms Mammarie Taylor-Stretch (right) apologised on behalf of Lord Feast for his absence explaining that he had unexpectedly left the UK earlier that morning to oversee his company's acquisition of the southern tip of China. Ms Stretch began the interview by playing down this morning's quite lurid tabloid reports detailing Lord Feast's involvement in a series of enebriated 'incidents' across London's West End the night before.

It seems that whilst out celebrating the success of IFI's latest wonder drug Zombizofusal - (a pre-teen anti-exuberance vaccine), Lord Edwin Cholesterol-Scam, 7th richest man in the world and long-time public school chum of Lord Feast had spotted a small upright piano in the corner of the bar.

Slurring out a refrain vaguely resembling 'Tis the Season to be Jolly, the rest of the thoroughly sozzled entourage took this as their cue to clamber up onto several fully-laden tables and begin riproariously chanting, "Custard Virus pays the mortgage, tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!"

Paying the £28,000 bill plus damages, the dishevelled, guffawing mob then piled into Lord Claxo Smythe-Kleene's waiting 1953 Silver Shadow and headed off to a high class Mayfair pudding club where, according to shocked proprietor Sir Hubert Staves, "this pie-eyed ensemble just sort of appeared from nowhere, demanded the dessert menu and then, quite unashamedly began performing what can only be described as the most obscene acts of 'group custard' I have witnessed in my life!" What struck Sir Hubert most was not so much the fact that these men were engaging in such high risk activity, but that they were doing so with no means of custard protection whatsover. Remarked one shocked onlooker, "Having seen such 'unsafe' acts carried out on custard by the very same men so keen to remind us of the fatal nature of the stuff, is it possible that custard might not be quite so dangerous after all?"

Continuing her doorstep interview, a defensive Ms Stretch stressed that Lord Feast's recent rich run on custard vaccine was merely the result of his company being in the right place at the right time with the right product. "To be honest, it is only Lord Feast's continual injection of his own personal funds into the project that has so far kept the custard vaccine programme afloat. So right now, all things considered, I think we should all be extremely bloody grateful to Lord Feast. Don't you?"

In closing, Ms Taylor-Stretch stated she was delighted to be associated with the company making Zombizofusal and made it known that the philanthropic arm of IFI - the Gates Ingot Tripp Foundation, had granted an exceptionally large sum of money to help strengthen France's defence against viridus albatrossis - the virus reponsible for the devilish Bird Flu. Concluded Ms Taylor-Stretch:

"Lord Feast wishes the following statement to be read: "I am acutely aware of the outbreak of bird flu only 23 miles across the channel. And now, having struck Disneyland Paris (left) with such devasating consequence, it is imperative the GIT Foundation takes immediate steps to make sure every single person in the whole wide world is vaccinated against the particularly debilitating Birf Flu virus. This vicious disease is no respecters of borders. Thankfully, initial trials of albatrossis show tremendous promise. I pray that in our lifetime, we will see every man woman and child in the whole wide world and especially Sub-Saharan Africa with at least six months personal reserves of vital anti-custard and anti-albatross medication immediately to hand. It's time to prioritise."

Custard flu, albatross flu, Koran flu, Dr David Kelly flu, Stockwell Tube Station shooting flu, grainy terrorist footage flu, sub-Sahara flu, Evil Russians flu, the list is endless! Much good work has already been accomplished, but much remains to be done. A glimmer of good news though. It's rumoured that Whitehall may soon release the promised £318M custard vaccine grant. May God speed those priceless custard funds to Lord Feast and all fellow workers at DITA. And finally, a heartfelt thank you for the valuable vaccine work that goes largely unnoticed across the world and funded so generously by the GIT Foundation - truly, the unsung heroes of our time!

Next week we ask why highly trained suicide terrorists operating here in the UK are so stupidly found with passports, driver's licences, utility bills and flame-resistant mortgage application forms about their person as they carry out their deadly work.

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