SEX, DEATH AND CUSTARD - worldwide flandemic imminent

Bristol UK - a potentially deadly strain of custard flu may well cause a worldwide flandemic, warned UK contagion expert Dr David Blankett yesterday.

Speaking at this year's 'Death in the Air' (DITA) conference, well-respected 'horizon scanner' and 5th richest man in the world, Dr Blankett stated that all who come into even the slightest contact with milk, egg yolks, sugar, and vanilla extract "are at high risk of succumbing to a most terrible custard death. We have all the ingredients here for a flandemic of unprecedented proportions."

Experts at DITA spend most of their time assessing the threat posed to humankind by seemingly benign commodities that may at any time mutate into deadly viruses, killing millions of people instantly. And the bad news is that Instant Custard Virus or ICV is threatening to do just that. A member of the viridus plumduffus family (above), this deadly grouping has spawned many terrifying illnesses over the last few years.

Today, at the height of this latest custard crisis, level-headed DITA chairman Lord Michael 'Fudgy' Feast, the 4th richest man in the world (right), remains unruffled but is pulling no punches in his criticisms of current UK health policy. Speaking from his exclusive Curzon Street sauna, Lord Feast declared the UK government's lack of forward planning a complete farce, citing the current reserves of squirty cream and peppermint essence vaccine as 'useless in the face of such an implacable enemy'.

"Until a more effective custard vaccine is made available," warned Feast, "we can only wait, pray and stay away from consumables such as Pop-Tarts, Angel Delight, glaced cherries, Waitrose 8-pack meringue nests and those very 'moreish' but deadly McVities Instant Whips. And Whitehall's withdrawal of the £318M earmarked for vital vaccine research," continued Feast vehemently, "is pudding millions at risk."

Curiously however, despite the threat posed by Instant Custard Virus, there seems to be little actual evidence of the flandemic at ground level. "Be that as it may", warned futurist Dr Pitrack Dioxin, another well-respected DITA voice and head of global flandemic forecasting, "whilst the body-count is minimal at this early stage, longer-range forecasts indicate a death toll of truly devastating proportions. We must not forget that ICV is now the single-most terrifying disease in the whole wide world... EVER!" With a renowned track record in predicting death on a massive scale, Dr Dioxin welcomed the introduction of disinfectant foot-troughs at all Acres the Bakers and Pret a Manger sites and particularly welcomed the new security measures in place at all Women's Institute home baking events (left), but emphasized that still more must be done, "if we are to avert my conservatively estimated 300 million custard deaths in Shropshire alone within the next three days." Seemingly unphased that not a single one of his catastrophic predictions over the last eighteen years have materialised, Dr Dioxin swears on his life the effects of this latest epidemic will surpass all others and at its current rate of travel, is set to hit the pan-Asian communy as early as Wednesday of next week. Said a goggle-eyed Dioxin, "I swear on my life, there will be no opening ceremony this Bejing Olympics. The area will be a wasteland."

Millions more at risk than the millions first thought at risk

For some though, there is a very definite silver lining to this latest outbreak. Vaccine manufacturers across the globe are cashing in on our fear of custard. "Custard vaccine is selling faster than it can be replaced," noted one exhausted but jubilant production manager for sprawling drug conglomerate Constant Harmaceuticals.

It also emerged last night that shares in Lord Feast's own company Ingot-Feast-Ingot, the principle manufacturer of custard vaccine, have more than quadrupled in value in the last 5 days. "Trading in IFI shares over the last 24 hours has been nothing short of phenomenal," enthused 3rd richest man in the world and fellow IFI director Lord Ingot (left).

And before the cynics out there start accusing health officials of deliberately stirring up fear of custard in order to sell the custard vaccine for huge financial gain, a recent EU enquiry that was both extensive and wide-ranging, found every single vaccine manufacturer in the whole wide world completely innocent of such repugnant charges. But this has not stopped the sniping. Asylum-seekers, single mothers, foreign flying instructors and other facist elements in society are voicing the usual derrogatory accusations - 'vested interests!' 'fake flandemic!' etc., etc..

In defiant mood and determined to face his detractors head on, Lord Feast was unavailable for comment this morning, having left the UK unexpectedly to oversee his company's acquisition of the southern tip of India. Lord Feast's PA Ms Mammarie Taylor-Stretch (right) and 7th richest PA in the world, apologised for Lord Feast's absence and played down reports of the 'enebriated 'incidents' across the West End the previous evening, involving Lord Feast and a number of friends.

It seems that whilst out celebrating the success of IFI's latest wonder drug Zombiezofusal - (a pre-teen anti-exuberance vaccine), Lord Feast's longtime chum and 6th richest man in the world Lord Edwin Cholesterol-Scam -had spotted a small upright piano in the corner of the bar.

Slurring out a refrain vaguely resembling 'Tis the Season to be Jolly, the rest of the thoroughly sozzled entourage took this as their cue to clamber up onto several fully-laden tables and begin riproariously chanting, "Custard Virus pays the mortgage, tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!"

Paying the £28,000 bill plus damages, the dishevelled, guffawing mob then piled into Lord Claxo Smythe-Kleene's waiting 1953 Silver Shadow and headed off to a high class Mayfair pudding club where, according to shocked proprietor Sir Hubert Staves, "this pie-eyed ensemble just sort of appeared from nowhere, demanded the dessert menu and then, quite unashamedly began performing what can only be described as the most obscene acts of 'group custard' I have ever witnessed in my whole life!" What struck Sir Hubert most was not so much the fact that these men were engaging in such high risk activity, but that they were doing so with no means of custard protection whatsover. Remarked one shocked onlooker, "Having seen such 'unsafe' acts carried out on custard by the very same men so keen to remind us of the fatal nature of the stuff, is it possible that custard might not be quite so dangerous after all?"

Back to Lord Feast and continuing her doorstep intercom interview, a defensive Ms Stretch stressed her employer's recent rich run on custard vaccine was merely the result of the company being in the right place at the right time and with the right product. "To be honest, it is only Lord Feast's continual injection of his own personal funds into the project that has so far kept the custard vaccine programme afloat. There's a caring side to Lord Feast that few are privileged to see. So right now, all things considered, I think we should all be extremely bloody grateful to Lord Feast. Don't you?"

In closing, Ms Taylor-Stretch stated she was delighted to be associated with the company making Zombiezofusal and made it known that the philanthropic arm of IFI - the Gates Ingot Tripp Foundation, had granted an exceptionally large sum of money to help strengthen France's defence against viridus albatrossis - the virus reponsible for the devilish Bird Flu. Concluded Ms Taylor-Stretch:

"Lord Feast wishes the following statement to be read: "I am acutely aware of the outbreak of bird flu only 23 miles across the channel. And now, having struck Disneyland Paris (left) with such devasating consequence, it is imperative the GIT Foundation takes immediate steps to make sure every single person in the whole wide world is vaccinated against the particularly debilitating Birf Flu virus. This vicious disease is no respecters of borders. Thankfully, initial trials of albatrossis show tremendous promise. I pray that in our lifetime, we will see every man woman and child in the whole wide world and especially Sub-Saharan Africa with at least six months personal reserves of vital anti-custard and anti-albatross medication immediately to hand. It's time to prioritise."

Custard flu, albatross flu, Koran flu, Dr David Kelly flu, Stockwell Tube Station shooting flu, grainy terrorist footage flu, sub-Sahara flu, Evil Russians flu, the list is endless! Much good work has already been accomplished, but much remains to be done. A glimmer of good news though. It's rumoured that Whitehall may soon release the promised £318M custard vaccine grant. May God speed those priceless custard funds to Lord Feast and all fellow workers at DITA. And finally, a heartfelt thank you for the valuable vaccine work that goes largely unnoticed across the world and funded so generously by the GIT Foundation - truly, the unsung heroes of our time!

Next week we ask why highly trained suicide terrorists operating here in the UK are so stupidly found with passports, driver's licences, utility bills and flame-resistant mortgage application forms about their person as they carry out their deadly work.